Wrongfully Wary: THE WITCH (2016)

AN UPDATE
We're done with posting every day, we're through, we're beyond this. You can get a similar statement by checking out My Arcade. Basically I'm not as enthralled about writing every day as I ought to be, or rather, about writing about movies as I wanted to be. Instead I'm turning a bit more attention toward brainstorming, and a bit less toward My Cinema and My Arcade. With any luck, this will lead into some material I can get published!

So, I'll still be updating the two blogs, just not every weekday. With that said...I've come to terms with the fact that, although I am relatively easily scared, I really enjoy horror movies, and so, I went and watched The Witch this weekend, and here's my first impression.

TITLE: The Witch


SUMMARY:

A family in 1630s New England is torn apart by the forces of witchcraft, black magic and possession.

PERSONAL CRITIQUE:

I didn't really care for it. Is that too blunt? Well, to be honest, I went into this movie expecting a full-blown horror movie, and as a result I had my hopes up for a different kind of movie, instead The Witch turned out to be a sort of period piece about the impacts of witchcraft and distrust in the 1600s. In that respect, I guess it did a pretty fantastic job.

The problem with that is I went into the theater expecting to have my pants scared off, and I left with the image of a wrinkly old woman irreversibly burned into my eyes. The scariest scenes of the movie played more on shock factor than actual scare value, and again, I understand that's not exactly what the director was going for, well maybe it should be advertised in a less eerie fashion. Additionally, the ending played out very differently from what I expected...allow me to explain in a-

SPOILER SECTION!

So, throughout the movie our heroine, Thomasin (don't get me started) loses her baby brother to the witch, loses her older brother to the witch, has her siblings turned against her by the witch (and her own stupidity!), has her father taken from her by Black Phillip (the family goat) presumably due to the witch, and then her mother turns against her and she's forced to kill her mother. Most other movies have just set the stage for a final battle against the witch, an attempt to end the malevolence of this evil lucifer-bound monster.

Nope...Thomasin decides to wander out to the pin that Black Phillip is kept in (remember that goat that killed her dad a moment ago?) and ask him to speak to her. Okay, fine, the character has lost her mind, grand. Nope! After two or three repetitions of requests, Black Phillip speaks. Offers her whatever she wants (except revenge, which she evidently does not want), asks if she sees a book, tells her to write her name in it, then they go off and join a coven in the woods, where she gets her first taste of witchcraft. Game over.

So yeah, that's the disappointing ending to The Witch. I'm sure it's nice to break the mold, but not when your audience is desperate for a few more good scares.

RATING:

Nine out of Ten Teat-eating ravens would give this movie Two Black Phillips out of Five.

I didn't enjoy it for the most part, but I will still say it's a decent period piece, just not my cup of tea. I do however, really appreciate Black Phillip, wish we had gotten to see the man behind the goat.

Musical Murder: SWEENEY TODD, THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET (2007)

ONWARD AND UPWARD!

Okay, I realize I'm posting a lot, from a rapid decline to rapid posting, but this one is a bit different. I still feel like writing so I am, but I kind of ran out of scary movies I recently seen, or at least new ones (would do Krampus if we had actually gone and seen it...). So, I asked my fiancée what she thought I should type up and she said Harry Potter (because we watched The Prisoner of Azkaban and I fell asleep to Goblet of Fire last night). The problem? I haven't watched them all and I'm honestly not a huge fan, I prefer my wizard main characters few and far between or animated (because that's how I grew up with them and have been most exposed to them). But, we watched those in honor of the passing of Alan Rickman, so I thought, I'm a pretty big fan of another movie Alan Rickman performed in, so let's start there.

TITLE: Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

DETAILS:

            DIRECTOR: Tim Burton

            LEAD ACTOR: Johnny Depp

            ANTAGONIST LEAD: Alan Rickman

Yes! Just yes! Can we stop real quick? Tim Burton, probably one of my favorite directors, I mean, I really like his work. Johnny Depp, probably my favorite actor, seriously? He's Johnny friggin' Depp. Alan Rickman is just a stunning antagonist, even when he's not pure evil (but uh, here he is, so yeah.)

SUMMARY:

The infamous story of Benjamin Barker, AKA Sweeney Todd, who sets up a barber shop down in London which is the basis for a sinister partnership with his fellow tenant, Mrs. Lovett. Based on the hit Broadway musical.

PERSONAL CRITIQUE:

First of all, every movie I posted before this one, I have watched only once, so pardon Sweeney for getting a bit of love from the 3,000 plus times I've watched it. Secondly, every movie I've posted before this was directed by people I'm unfamiliar with, or generally dislike, (The exception being Guillermo, but I didn't even know what he did, except for movies I hadn't watched before hand like Pan's Labyrinth and the Orphanage.) so forgive Burton his high position on my list. And number C: those other movies I featured actors I was mostly unfamiliar with, but the honorable Judge Turpin is Alan Rickman, so get over it.

This is a movie I actually want to post more of the cast for, mainly just Helena Bonham Carter, but how about that Jamie Bower- WHAT?! You don't know Jamie Bower? Cool, I didn't either until I looked him up and found out he later starred as Jace in the Mortal Instruments, and Caius in Twilight. (I did not care for Twilight, I am biased against vampires that aren't vampires.) 

Stop fanboying and get to the point! Okay, so the point is I like musicals, and I like this cast, so naturally I like this movie. It has some terrific musical numbers which I have listened to probably more than I ought, even the worst of them earning a spot somewhere in my playlists, and the plot is dark enough to almost quantify this movie as a horror movie. 

SPOILERS!!!  Do I even need that here?

Y'know, a dark plot, something like, killing people for the sadistic pleasure of it and then baking them into pies and serving those pies to people who will probably later also be turned into pies. Sweeney is a barber, properly named Benjamin Barker (BBB), who was separated from his wife by the honorable Judge Turpin in an attempt to win the lady's heart. Turpin eventually raped Todd's wife (as is heavily implied) and adopted his daughter, as part of an evil plan to marry her once she comes of age. Step forward several years (like a lot, sixteen I guess?) and BBB has escaped from prison into the sea and is rescued by Anthony. Boom, the song that sets the setting, the characters are at "a hole in the world like a great black pit that is filled with people who are filled with-" whoa Sweeney, let's keep it PG.

Also we get the backstory I just described, but in song, with slightly less details, which will be provided a little later by Mrs. Lovett, who makes meat pies. But, they're the worst pies in London. Umm...wait, I'm not supposed to summarize the plot am I...sorry, I really like this movie. 

Anyway, everyone in this movie is an alcoholic, and all the actors do an amazing job. It's really not fair that Burton and Todd are in such big letters and Rickman goes basically unnoticed (at least as far as box art is concerned) because he does a terrific job as the vile and corrupt judge. Seriously, he was born to play the part, or maybe just raised to, whatever.

RATING:

Nine out of Ten gin drinking orphans would rate this one Five bloody razors, out of Five.

I can't say that this isn't biased, I love this movie, and although I'm sure there are flaws in the movie, there are none that I feel worth pointing out, or even noticing. There is one mistake though, no sequel featuring Anthony and Johanna escaping London, only to be hunted by Toby who wishes to end Barker's family line since he killed the only mother figure the orphan had.

Now Trending, Horror Movies: CRIMSON PEAK (2015)

TOO MUCH! Too, too much.

So I'm still sitting here typing, it doesn't take much for me to compose these, they're not even solely my ideas, and a majority of the writing is just spoilers, so I take the info right out of the movie itself. I suppose technically you're supposed to avoid spoilers and just talk about your own opinions, to which I say- scary movie time!

TITLE: Crimson Peak


DETAILS: 
            DIRECTOR: Guillermo Del Toro

            LEAD ACTRESS: Mia Wasikowska
            LEAD ANTAGONIST: Jessica Chastain

SUMMARY:

In the aftermath of a family tragedy, an aspiring author is torn between love for her childhood friend and the temptation of a mysterious outsider. Trying to escape the ghosts of her past, she is swept away to a house that breathes, bleeds - and remembers.

PERSONAL CRITIQUE:

Need I point out again how easily I scare? No? Awesome, but see, this movie didn't scare me as much as some others, and not for the reasons that you're thinking. It's not like The Visit, where the movie was just a total disappointment, and it wasn't just some terrible gore-fest that served no purpose, it was...a Del Toro film, and unlike Shyamalan, Guillermo seems to do things right all the time.

Now in fairness, this does not touch the scare factor of some of Guillermo's previous films, it has basically nothing on the Orphanage, but it makes up for it with what I think I enjoy most about his movies, a compelling story and some fantastic film-work. The characters each have their own little charms and the setting is unique in its own right. Sure, it's a classic scary movie setting, a house in the hills with nobody around for miles, but it's different. I watched some video about how the colors in the film help to set the mood and how there's this close attention to detail, and while I'm sure that's true, I didn't actually notice it, so I'll just say the movie had a very good ambience that really put me on the right path.

Are you ready to hear about it? No? Skip the...

Sorry, real quick, I was going to put an actual image of the super spooky ghost of her mother, but then I saw this, and I was like "Why the heck does that exist?!"

SPOILERS!!! ...then.

Okay, so Victorian England, a man with a plan, a man who had a plan and succeeded, and the latter's daughter. Sound good enough? The latter man gets killed by presumably the former man, and the daughter runs away with the dashing heir to a dying family. Stereotypical enough to set the story, but you're wrong. First of all, the former man did not make the kill, it was his crazy sister. Alright, let's move forward:

The heir to the dying family who has exhausted all of his riches on a supposedly good idea, marries a rich woman after offing her dad, we all see where this is going, she's going to be killed. Big surprise when she starts finding mementos of his previous wives. Oh, and his crazy sister is force-feeding our heroine porridge. Good enough to get the drift? It's poison.

The former gentleman resists his sister's urgings, blah blah blah, knife fight, death. Running, running running, more death. It's all very predictable and every time I see it I get a little more upset that these women don't recognize what's going on! Blinded by love or whatever. But clearly, first of all, this lady is not getting EVERY detail like we are, and just as important, she's never watched a major motion picture (I think, I'm pretty sure those weren't around until the 1900s and this movie was set pre-20th century). Now Guillermo did nail one scary thing, the little girl's ghostly mother coming back and haunting her, and then the handsome lover's ex-wives' ghosts haunting her. But these things are much less scary when it's relatively clear they mean only good. I mean, the spooky ghost mommy out right tells her to "beware the Crimson Peak," even in the trailer! We know before we even watch the movie that one of the two siblings are up to no good, and the ghosts aren't actually evil. Well, I mean, we can make that assumption. We can also assume I guess that she was warned against the Crimson Peak because of the other ghosts haunting it, but, unlike other ghost movies where there's some ridiculous story about ghosts having to feed off your fear or whatever, or them just not being strong enough, these ghosts have been living in this house with two people for an extended period of time, they clearly aren't out for blood or they would have drawn it already.

Also, there's a semi-romantic ploy at the beginning, and then much later, that implies she should be with the doctor who comes to save her life instead of with the villain's brother, but...I felt like he was almost glossed over. I nearly forgot he existed until he came back into the movie. In fact, I typed this part up as an afterthought because I forgot he was in the movie.

All of that aside though, good movie. Not the scariest, and not the absolute best plot, but I'll give Guillermo that he definitely did his job.

RATING: 

Nine out of Ten Doctors who should have been loved, would give this movie Three dogs that disappear in the snow, out of Five.

Aokigiha-whatever: THE FOREST (2016)

AGAIN! WITH FEELING!

Am I seriously about to update twice in one week? It sure looks like it!

TITLE: The Forest


DETAILS: 
            DIRECTOR: Jason Zada
            LEAD ACTRESS: Natalie Dormer
            ANTAGONIST LEAD: Takako Akashi Whoops, I've said too much.

SUMMARY: 
A woman goes into Japan's Suicide Forest to find her twin sister, and confronts supernatural terror.

PERSONAL CRITIQUE:
Critiquing myself as a person, I get scared pretty easily, seriously, place a hand on my shoulder when I don't know you're there, I'm liable to scream and stab you with whatever's in my pocket. Critiquing this movie, is hard, I peered through half-open eyes the entire time! Not necessarily representing how scary it is, just how easily scared I am, but seriously:
 
It earned them! A lot of the horror in this film is actually drudged up in atmosphere instead of imagery, don't get me wrong, there are some super spooky ghosts, but the cast did a terrific job with sound effects and lighting. Movies hardly have to work to get me scared, and this one used mere setting alone to set me off. And old women and japanese school girls, seriously-

HOSHIKO! GET OUT OF MY BLOG! Okay, are you ready to skip over an underlined portion? I'm not! So...

 SPOILERS AHEAD!

Okay so as I said, the movie didn't have to make too much effort to scare me, but it did, right down to giving me a character I knew I couldn't trust, but thought maybe I could, until she turned into a straight up demon girl. And not like, red-skinned, pointy-tailed, scantily-clad succubus demon girl, like nightmare fuel demon girl. You've got a pretty in-depth plan too, from before she walks into the forest, you have a general idea of where this may be heading, though you won't catch it until she's stabbing a completely innocent man in the chest because Michi's mantra doesn't help her "If it's bad it's not real," may not be the best advice in a forest full of dead bodies, just seeing those things without being actively haunted is horrifying! There was this one terrific portion though, toward the end, where it ended. The movie speaks on women's duty to remain in the kitchen, she can't use a knife to save her life! Literally, not figuratively, while trying to remove the zombified hand of her dead father, she cuts her own wrist like six times, and then dies. I can accept that the whole point of Aokigihara is that people who wander in and are susceptible to its charms ultimately kill themselves, but she kills herself on accident, because she cut BETWEEN the villain's fingers. It doesn't even make sense! 

Real quick, before I get any sexist flack, the comment about women staying in the kitchen is a joke, I do most of the cooking in my relationship, but seriously, everyone should know how to handle a knife.

But yeah, outside of that stuff this was actually a terrific movie! Even without going to see it as a scary movie, it had a pretty good plot overall and it wasn't ridiculously reliant on jump-scares and ridiculous tropes. (Tropes yes, ridiculous no.)

RATING:
Nine out of Ten Misunderstood good guys, would give it Four out of Five Repurposed Nooses.

This one earned a spot in my "this movie both scared me and intrigued me" list, right alongside the Village, which is slightly less scary now, but whatever.

Shyamalamadingdong: THE VISIT (2015)

So...

Let's start with, yes, I still didn't update even though I said I would, and that is because...the movie sucked. It's hard for me to write about something I don't like. Let's get this out of the way, Shyamalan, stop making movies. Especially don't ever wander off to a country home alone and decide to make a movie without consulting other professionals! Seriously?

Don't get me wrong, everything Shyamalan has produced has not been garbage...just his recent stuff. I really enjoyed the Village, though I didn't grasp all the little details the first time. Maybe that was because I was much younger, maybe the Visit actually had the same effect and I just didn't see it, but I would never associate the two.

TITLE: The Visit

DETAILS:

            DIRECTOR: M. Night Shyamalan

            LEAD ACTORS: Olivia Dejonge and Ed Oxenbould

            ANTAGONIST LEAD: Deanna Dunagan and Peter McRobbie

            

SUMMARY: 

Two siblings become incredibly frightened by their grandparents disturbing behavior, while visiting them on vacation.

PERSONAL CRITIQUE:

Just STOP! I can not say enough negative things about this movie! That might be a bit hyperbolic on my part, but seriously, it was disappointing, more so when we consider that the trailers actually made me want to watch it. But then again, the advertisements for the movie made me think of supernatural events, probably pertaining to possession, with a nice addition of "old people are scary." What I got was subpar at best as far as terror in plot is concerned, then again, this was probably the most realistic scary movie setting of all time. There's a positive, most of the time when scary movies are "based on a true story" it's an oddball one in one-million true story, and this presumably original idea seemed more like a one in ten-thousand chance of happening. Shall I spoil it? Let's! (So don't read beyond if you haven't seen it and want to. Or just skip the underlined section.)

Okay, so, the film starts with the two main characters going to spend a week with their estranged grandparents while their mother is off on a cruise. Seems normal so far. These children have never seen these grandparents as prior to their birth their mother had a spat with them. Not unheard of. Here's the kicker, this topic is super taboo with the grandparents, they absolutely refuse to discuss anything regarding the children's mother. I'll grant to Shyamalan that this portion of misleading information is well-constructed, because lo and behold, they are not the children's grandparents. Nope, they apparently are mental patients who escaped the psych ward and murdered the real Nana and Pop Pop in order to take their place in this delightful vacation with the kids. A lot of details that previously looked like possession scenes are then revealed to just be psychotic episodes, or whatever the correct term is for what these guys have.

There's a lot of light-hearted banter in the film between the siblings, and some less than satisfactory scenes with the young boy rapping. I don't have anything against people pursuing their dreams and I don't have anything against modernizing a movie or adding some childish entertainment, but Shyamalan seems to have forced these scenes into the film, and they have negative effects. I'm not saying he's not a good rapper, I don't really have an opinion, but I didn't feel like it belonged in the film. A redeeming quality of the use of this young character is his attempt to censor his own foul mouth, and the subsequent failures. Resolving to replace his curse words with the names of pop culture stars, Tyler provides us with some fantastic "Oops" moments. 

RATING: 

Nine out of Ten Psych Ward Escapees would give it Two used adult diapers, out of Five. 

In my opinion, this film stinks. With the exception of an unforeseen but disappointing twist ending and the oops scenes with our tiny hero, I feel like it should have never hit theaters.